my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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