I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
