K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
