Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
