I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
