If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It was confusing and full of hummus
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
