cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
