oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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