I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
