Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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