i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
