Plan B is the new Plan A
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
