after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
