Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
