I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
