you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
