I am spending my child support on dildos
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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