At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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