The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I need mimosas to revive my soul
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
