I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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