I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
