I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
