I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
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No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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