I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
