I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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