No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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