Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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