Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
