Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
