i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
