After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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