I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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