Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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