I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just want to make out with him forever
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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