I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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