dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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