Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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