so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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