I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
