Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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