I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
