god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
