Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
