Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
