Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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