Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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