That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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