I smell stomach acid.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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