I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
