my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had to cum in my sink.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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