Kiss
Puke
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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