Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
