just come out here and I will go home with you...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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