Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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