Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
