i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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