That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
