i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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