Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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